Not MY child!!

We’ve all dealt with these situations. You know, the ones in which two or more students are sitting in your office claiming that he did this and she did this and you have to figure out exactly who did what to whom, when it was done, and how. It’s like a game of Clue and moot court rolled into one. After holding court and hearing each side, it’s usually resolved in one way or another between the students. And, as we all know, there are always three sides to every story: hers, his, and the truth. While it’s our job to somehow find the truth in his and her stories, most of the time, just having the principal’s ear (and in some cases, an inordinate amount of time as well), to talk through the accountability and be doled appropriate consequences resolves the crisis, at least in the short run.

Then you get the call: Not MY child. How dare you accuse MY child of such a heinous crime!

Excuse me, but in all of my years of experience, I’ve rarely seen a case that is truly one sided. I call this the P3 syndrome: Parent’s Perfect Pupil syndrome. We are in a new age, one in which it is the parent(s)’ job to ensure happiness and gratification for their children under all circumstances.

While attending our state principals’ conference last month, I attended a session called “No! Why Kids Need It and How We Can Say It,” led by Dr. David Walsh, President of National Institute on Media and the Family. This new age includes what Dr. Walsh calls more, easy, fast, and fun. It does not, he argues, include saying no when parents need to. The problem, says Walsh, is that ‘"Don't!" is darn hard to say in a climate where the prevailing winds urge us to "Just do it."’

This certainly has ramifications for school personnel. Teachers are spending more and more class time dealing with misbehavior in an era of increased accountability, and many parents are no longer supporting the limits and consequences set by the school. This has spurred what Walsh calls “Discipline Deficit Disorder.” Part of the problem, said Walsh, is that in all our harping on self-esteem, we're failing to give kids the tool they really need: self-discipline. He cited a 2005 University of Pennsylvania study that concluded that self-discipline is twice as important as intelligence in predicting academic success. "Protecting kids from disappointment is robbing them of the opportunity to handle it," he says. "How will they learn to handle setbacks if they don't have any practice? If we're doing things for them they can do for themselves, we're robbing them of the ability to develop the inner resources that will serve them for the rest of their lives."

We may not always be successful at getting parents to agree to our philosophy, but I believe in teaching students life lessons. I strongly believe that part of our responsibility as educators is to give students the tools they need to develop those inner resources and foster resiliency. These tools are just as valuable as the reading, writing, and mathematics that garner so much attention in the light of No Child Left Behind. But believe me, without the tools to develop inner resources and resiliency, there will be plenty of children left behind – and they’ll be the ones who can read, write, and add.

Reference:
Hoffman, Barbara. (2007). Just Say No! How one word could cure society’s ills. Retrieved March 20, 2007, from http://www.nypost.com/seven/01092007/entertainment/just_say_no__entertainment_barbara_hoffman.htm?page=3

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Comments

[Scott Elias]

Thanks for posting this, Nancy. I think I just got off the phone with that parent before I read your post.

I don't think I've ever seen a situation that was 100/0 or even 90/10. Most of the time it's pretty darn close to a 50/50 sharing of responsibility (or irresponsibility as the case may be).

Occasionally I can get a student to cop to the truth. I just keep repeating, "So even though you two have hated each other since the second grade, fought with each other two Saturdays ago, and have been in love with the same guy since October, you were just minding your own business -- not looking at her or talking to her -- and she just walked over and started pounding on you out of the blue? Wow. That's just awful!"

Your mileage may vary.

-- Scott

[Matt Hillmann]

Nancy:

Excellent post! I think it is important to begin the conversation -- make a phone call home before the students gets to state their "side" of the story.

I finished Dr. Walsh's book a couple of weeks ago and I recommend it to anyone who works with or has kids. It is chock full of practical advice and good old fashioned common sense.

[Crystal F]

As the parent of two young boys, I'm trying hard not to squelch the natural desire to do things for themselves. They are born with it, and somehow, parents deny them of it, and make them lazy. I agree with what you say about sheltering them from disappointment, and I often find I have to fight with myself, so my child can learn that in life there are consequences, and we have to learn how to deal with them.

[Brad Davis]

I have often run into the scenario in which the student claims to me that he or she did the act and the appropriate punishment was given and we all thought that is was over and done with... until the kid got home that is and then the story changed a bit. Even if I have the student write everything he or she tell me down (which also takes a lot of time) he or she still get mom and dad to believe the new story. It turns out that he was under too much mental duress to answer my questions properly. (this just happened yesterday)

They need to include a finger print detection class for new administrators.