Leaders and Apologies

I was dismayed by the resistance of the team of volunteers who were working on generating new ideas for improving our organization. They had been in a negative mood for many months and they were not moving forward with any sort of commitment. I began asking different people I trusted what they thought was going on.

A few days later one of the members of the team came to my office.

“Pete, do you know why the team is not doing well? Why we’re just going through the motions”?

I answered, “No, I don’t.”

“Well, remember about 6 or 7 months ago we came to the Leadership Meeting and reported out some of our ideas?”

“Yes”, I replied.

“Do you remember how you treated us?”

“Yes, I asked you questions about how you got your ideas, and how you thought they would help the organization.”

“Well, yes; but to us it felt like you were attacking us. It felt like all the work we had done up to that point was insignificant. You made us feel like our ideas weren’t very good.”

I was stunned, “I didn’t mean it that way.”

“I’ve known you for a long time, Pete. I know you didn’t mean it that way; but that’s how they took it. I can tell you honestly, that they are really mad at you.”

“But that was almost 6 months ago.”

“Pete, They still haven’t gotten over it. They’re angry.”

I was embarrassed. I knew that what this person was telling me was true. The questions I had asked were okay; but I had a pattern of asking them in a way that made people defensive. It felt like a hostile interrogation rather then supportive clarification. It was one of the major elements of my leadership style that I was working to improve.

I realized I owed the group an apology.

I called the team together, and after they got settled, related to them that I had noticed that something was wrong and that they seemed angry. I told them that someone had told me it stemmed from the meeting earlier in the year when they reported out to the Leadership Team and I jumped on them with a lot of hostile questions.

I centered myself and apologized. I didn’t mean for my questioning to produce what it did. I explained that it wasn’t the first time that I had been overly aggressive when I was questioning a group and that I could see why they were angry. They had a right to be angry. I let them know that I was truly appreciative of their work and that I was committed to not having this happen in the future.

I felt an immediate shift in the energy of the room. My authentic apology had punctured the pent up animosity of the team. They felt acknowledged, and they felt my heart and my commitment to change. They were willing to allow trust to be rebuilt.

On the way out of the meeting room almost every person on the team shook my hand and thanked me for acknowledging my error and for my apology.

I learned so much from this incident.

First, leaders can have 'blind spots'; behaviors that are so ingrained that they don't even notice it when they are indulging in them. I was oblivious to my interrogation style questioning when I was doing it.

Second, teams can get into moods that can last a long time. When people get angry their mood doesn't just 'blow over'. It lingers. As a leader, I needed to pay attention to the moods of teams, committees, and the individuals around me. I tended to acknowledge only the words and organizational niceties that often hid what was really going on.

Finally, I learned that a heartfelt and authentic apology was a way to put everyone on the road to rebuilding trust relatively quickly. It's amazing how forgiving people can be when they sense that you are truly sorry for your mistakes and are committed to changing your behavior going forward.

Real apologies have tremendous power to mend wounds both old and new.

pete

Comments

[Jethro]

Pete, Great post. I had a similar experience, only I was one of the team members. It was our small group of students that are in our Ed Leadership classes. The professor had done something we felt was very wrong. She poisoned the water, and when she finally apologized to us, it was only because I had confronted her. She, however, did not seem like her apology was heartfelt, and that she was only apologizing because she knew that to do anything else would be insane (let's just say things got pretty intense). I still feel some resentment toward her, but realize now that she still refuses to see her blind spots (even though she ironically teaches us how important it is to understand blind spots when we are leaders). I hope that they don't harbor any more resentment towards you. The only way you can make sure they don't is to really change your behavior, and not just with them, but with every other team you work with.

[Jan Borelli]

Excellent post. For some reason, many of my generation were raised in a culture of adults not apologizing... it was a sign of weakness. Somewhere along the line, I decided to admit that I am human and apologize when my actions have hurt and/or offended. It's made all the difference!

[Dave Sherman]

I, too, have had to make an apology after I made a mistake. I am only human, and an apology was exactly the best way for me to rectify a bad situation. This simple act of humility can go very far in the eyes of your staff or the students' parents.

Terrific post, Pete.
Dave

[Greg Farr]

Excellent post, Pete! The line between team member and team leader is difficult to discern at times. It's like that saying, "First Among Equals"...it seems to make sense and sounds good, but talk about a difficult concept. Followers want leaders who are decision-makers, risk-takers, and are not afraid to get out front on certain issues and take the hits. But they also want a sense of "realness" in their leaders. And nothing shows that realness more than being willing to step up and admit when they have made a mistake or come across with the wrong impression. Thank you for such an honest post. It is a useful reminder to all of us!

[Principal-guy]

I think you nailed it with this post. As leaders we often don't interprete the verbal and nonverbal cues from our staff. In part this is because we are so focused on moving the agenda ahead that we don't pick up on what other people are feeling. That's why its often a good idea to elicit feedback from your group on a regular basis. Former New York City Mayor Ed Koch used to ask the citizens of New York "How am I doing?" It might not be a bad idea for us to do the same.

[preilly]

Jethro,
Apologies can come from many different places within us...if they come from the head, people sense it and the path to rebuilding trust will continue to be blocked. When they come from the heart, they sense that too.

pete

[preilly]

Jan,
Good point. Look at our country's leadership today...no apologies, no accountability.

Most people crave authentic leaders. It is so important for us to 'be human' at work.

pete

[preilly]

Dave,
You are so right! In the 21st Century, we are leaders leading leaders. This is a huge shift from the hierarchical, command and control type of leadership that has dominated education for so long. There are a lot of us who have catching up to do.

pete

[preilly]

Greg,
I agree about asking those we lead 'how are we doing'; and at the same time I realize that unless there is a sense of safety and trust, most folks will tell us what we want to hear.

It's so easy for teams to fall into the pattern of 'making nice' in public while taking their real concerns, issues, and frustration private. Doing this erodes trust and kills the team.

It took courage for the person in my post to come into my office and let me know what was really going on with the team. People like that are real organizational heroes.

pete

[Kelly Christopherson]

As a leader, being able to admit you have done something that is wrong and apologize for your error is vital to growth; both for you and those involved. Having been through a series of situations in the past few years where I need to face up to my own mistakes, I have come to appreciate that a heartfelt apology is vital for any organizational growth since everyone does make mistakes. As a leader, it is also my role to allow people the opportunity to approach me and apologize for what they have done and then move on to learning and improving. I have been very lucky to have a great mentor who has helped me through some interesting and difficult situations and I've grown in ways I couldn't have imagined.
Another great thing about your post is that you acknowledged that you have a weakness and that you are working to strengthen it. You demonstrated that you, like all others, have areas where growth is necessary and improvement is your goal.
I commend you on what you did - it is not easy to admit that you, as leader, have made a mistake but, by acknowledging and approaching the group with sincerity, not excuses, demonstrates a level of leadership that people can trust and will follow. Thanks for sharing Pete.

[Rick Pierce]

Pete,

You comments are right on target. What you have described is one of the cornerstones of Servant Leadership – honest, genuine humility!

In a recent post (http://risingsunconsultants.blogspot.com/2008/03/do-you-have-it-do-you-evev-know-what-it.html) on a new blog I’ve started which focuses on Servant Leadership (http://risingsunconsultants.blogspot.com/), I shared my belief that true strength, power and control come through showing our vulnerabilities. They come through our weaknesses – our ability to be human.

Our ability to be human is one of our greatest gifts. It is exactly this style of leadership that people are asking for. Leaders who care for people and hold high standards for behavior, performance, and attitudes are seen as inspiring and motivating. These leaders are seen taking risks and reaching out to people. They are the leaders who see something in others that most refuse to see. These leaders allow room for mistakes and taking risks; they accept their own humanity and are not afraid to say “I’m sorry” when they make mistakes.

Thank you for your personal courage in sharing your story and for encouraging such an important dialogue.

[preilly]

Thanks Rick. I enjoyed your site.
pete